Keeping Up Appearances
by Katbin
Summary: A moment of vulnerability followed by a smile. Underneath everything, she's only human.


Horizon. What a disaster. They lost most of the colony, ran into an irate former team member, and Shepard got chewed out for something out of her control. There had been worse days but this one still stung. Garrus shook his head, having trouble trying to understand Kaidan's rage. He should have been over the moon to see Shepard again, the woman that he apparently "loved". Loved, as in no longer. That word made him flinch and he hadn't even been part of the relationship. That word was meant to hurt, meant to maim a person.

Shepard had remained eerily calm throughout the entire exchange; even after Kaidan had huffed and ran off she hadn't shown any real signs of distress outside of irritation. He'd watched her in the peripheral of his vision as he'd spent the time waiting for the shuttle to look for supplies. Her hands rested on her hips as she walked what had been a battlefield only minutes before, kicking away corpses in her path. She bent down to take a few scans of the husks, disinterest painting her face. Physically, Shepard was present but her mind was miles away. Garrus wondered what she was thinking about.

There had been a subtle shift in Shepard's body language after the argument, he could remember how she'd seemed to shrink an inch or two. It was like someone had let a little bit of air out of a balloon. That confident spark she carried along with her had dimmed as well, he didn't need to hear it in her voice to confirm his suspicions. Kaidan had effectively stomped out the torch she had been carrying for him ever since she had woken up. The idiot hadn't even taken a breath to think what Shepard was going through.

On the shuttle he'd passed along a few tactical notes to Miranda, ideas on how to improve their performance as a team. The biotic had nodded and agreed with most of his points but her eyes never left Shepard's rigid form standing by the door. Seemed like he wasn't the only one curious about how Shepard was doing after that confrontation. Despite claiming to be "all business" about the missions they went on Garrus was sure that Miranda cared about Shepard's happiness, not just her well-being.

Not a word had passed between them since he'd assured her that she had done more than most could and as they stepped off the shuttle he saw how tightly Shepard was clenching her jaw. There it was. Some trace of how she really felt. He caught her eyes in passing and found the sapphire irises steely. Anger was a natural response, he supposed. He gave her a wide berth as she made her way to the elevator. He'd never seen Shepard loose her cool but he wasn't taking any chances.

Now he stood under the warm water spray of one of the communal showers, thinking about Shepard having to lose not only a teammate but also a lover. He'd had a few relationships over the past years but nothing as serious as the one that Shepard had with Kaidan. She had wanted it to work, wanted to be happy with him and have a future, and for a while they _did_ make it work. Then everything went to hell and she lost everything. She lost Kaidan without even knowing it. By the time she came back it was too late. What was that human coping mechanism? The stages of grief one… he couldn't remember what it was called but remembered the stages. From what Garrus had seen Kaidan had passed directly into the 'anger' camp when he'd seen Shepard. Passed _back_ into the 'anger' camp, perhaps?

He was jolted away from his thoughts when the water pelted icy against his plates. He'd spent all of his allotted warm water and hadn't even noticed. With a sigh he quickly lathered up and rinsed the suds away then turned off the water. It would have normally taken him less than five minutes to shower but he knew he'd been in there for a long time if the water had changed. Thinking was a dangerous pastime for the shower. The ultimate time waster, he realized as he pulled on some civvies.

By coincidence, as he stepped out of the male bathrooms, Shepard also emerged from the women's room. She still wasn't used to the idea of having a private bathroom of her own. It felt frivolous, she had told him. There were already showers on the ship and she would use the same facilities that the rest of the crew used. She was a champion for equality.

Her brown hair was damp and uncombed, resting over her right shoulder. Garrus realized right then and there that he had never seen Shepard without her trademark bun. All the hair pulled away from her face into that flawless roll on top of her head had always made her look a little stern, a bit older than her years. It contributed to the intimidating Commander Shepard persona. Now she looked softer around the edges, less authoritative. It was amazing how much of a change it made.

She hadn't noticed his presence quite yet and was working her willowy fingers through the chest length locks. Her eyes were fixed somewhere far off, not focusing on any one point, eyebrows knitted together. The iciness from before had melted and he could read how tired she was. Her lips were in a deep frown, different from the serious ones he'd seen on her face before. This was a new kind of frown to catalogue, a bitter sadness pulling on its corners.

Somewhere behind them in the Mess a crewmember scraped their chair away from the table which broke her from her trance. She snapped to attention, her hands resting at her sides. Shepard still seemed a little lost, unsure of where she was going to go from here. Garrus took a small step towards his friend and she jumped, having believed that she was alone.

Commander Shepard wasn't looking back at him, this woman was someone he had never met before. It was like she had forgotten to close the window to who she really was and Garrus had the opportunity to take a peek inside. "You alright, Shepard?"

A few beats passed and Garrus saw a few tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She sniffled and looked down, clearly embarrassed. This wasn't someone that she wanted him to see or know. This was the version of herself that she kept locked away from everyone to keep them in prime working condition. Shepard already made sacrifices, he thought, she must have thought that her feelings were just another that she could add to the list. Only now they were working their way to the surface against her will.

"Hey." He crossed the space between them quickly, not quite sure what to do when he finally reached her. He settled on resting a hand on her trembling shoulder. "It'll be alright."

Shepard looked up at him. The tears still hadn't spilled, and she nodded. "Thank you."

His weak attempt at comfort seemed to be enough to satisfy her and she sighed, pulling herself back up to her full height. There was still a melancholy that hung around her and rested on her shoulders but she smiled. Garrus swore he could feel a little piece of his heart breaking for her. Solidarity. Even after what had gone down she was still trying to maintain appearances. She was an amazing woman. Absolutely crazy, but amazing.

"Don't tell anyone," she gestured to herself in an up and down sweeping motion. "They don't need to know how much of a wreck I am."

"Won't tell a soul."


End file.
